My consultation appointment has been approved!

A good sign has landed on my doorstep. I am being refered to a plastic surgeon for a consultation in November. I know it's a long way away but I am willing to wait if it means I can get the go ahead. This doesn't mean however I have been approved for the operation yet, it just means I do not have to pay out £200 for them to have a look at me which is what my first GP said I would have to do. Hopefully if they are willing to let me have a consultation, surely it will make it harder for them to refuse the operation itself.

Apparently one thing that may work in my favour is my virginal status. Women are more likely to get the operation if they cannot form relationships as a result. You are less likely to get it if you have a partner or are married. This maybe why they are letting me get so far.

Why I am anonymous

I suppose you may be wondering why I don't take a real stand and go to the local papers and such to drum up support. The reason is I am too ashamed. I have a freaky body and I am aware of it every day I wake up and look in the mirror and every time I take a shower. I don't need to be reminded by other people too. I am always deep inside my head sure they can tell anyway so I go to great lengths to cover it. The fake breast I have now from America is quite good and if I wear a big but tight bra, it can give me a little cleavage but I am too scared to show off my chest as the insert may fall out or someone may spot the top. Before that I had one of those cheap ones you can get in shops like La Senza but they rarely go over two sizes so I still looked wonky and puting one on top of the other (they all come in twos) looks too odd and hammers it home to me how freaky I am. Before that I went down the old fashion root and stuffed my bra with tissue! This was rough on my nipple and cause humiliation once when someone grabbed my smaller breast, felt the tissue, and with cruel and evil delight announced to the world "***** ******** stuffs her bra!". It was humilating. My only consolation from that incident was they didn't try to grab me further and discovered the truth.

I also want to be anonymous to protect those I may mention in my blog. I want to be as honest as I can. This is the only place I can truely say what is on my mind and what is happening to me and the advice I may be given could be given to me in confidence but at the same time if it helps another girl like me, I want to share it.

And finally I am aware there are a lot of bad people who use the net who may attack me or say evil and hurtful things about me. By staying anonymous I am protected by the fact that these people don't really know me, they are cruelly attacking any random person because they are just sick or closed minded. I can understand that some people will view this as sheer vanity but they don't have to live in my body, my mind, and as they learn more about my story, I hope they will understand.

My appointment with another GP.

I have recieved an email from my primary care trust. I sent them an email expressing how let down I was. They said the first thing I would have to do is get refered by my GP but if she was unwilling, I should see another and take my email to them. They assigned me a PALS officer who is trainned to help me understand the process better and express my concerns. I made an appointment with another doctor. This time a named partner in my surgery. I broke down in pieces. this has all been so much for me. The fear of spending my life alone and like this is too much. I was scared that I was selfish. there are so many people worse off that me, with facial disfigurements they cannot hide and diseases but as terrible as it sounds, it provided me with so little comfort. The doctor was concerned that my GP had not examined me on the day I was told I could not have the operation. He called in a nurse to examine me. I was so upset. I haven't shown anyone my breasts since the incident with my ex. Taking my bra of felt like ripping my arm off. I was certain she would call me selfish and silly. When I finally did she was surprised at the size of my silicon insert. I told her how I had to buy it online. She said the smaller one was more a B than an A which is good I guess but the bigger one was between a D and a E. She could see where the bra had been cutting into me. I have to wear a C cup bra as it's the only way to hold in the insert. Hollywood tape makes my smaller breast come out in a rash. She said the difference was very noticable and the doctor agreed. The doctor said he would refer me but explained to me that 90% of these operations are refused straight away. But in his opinion it was affecting my mental health and also refered me for counselling. At least this may help with my suicidal thoughts. It would be good to finally talk to someone about this. Hopefully if I let my MP know what has been going on, they can help with getting the PCT to agree on appeal.

At least it's better than a straight no.

An email from my MP

I visited a health forum recently. I figured that others must be going through the same difficulties as me. This forum had two real life nurses on it and one suggested something I never thought of. They suggested writing to my local MP. MPs tends to have contact with the primary care trust and also sometimes know of chairities that can help so I sent a email to my local MP. The response was quick I'm glad to say. Here is just a short extract...

I am very sorry to hear of the problems you are facing and I am veryhappy to help. I will need some more detail such as when you were turned down who your doctor is etc.

They have invited me to a surgery to discuss it further. They also suggested contacting the primary care trust directly and asking about their policy. At least it's something! The backing of an MP would help my case!

My Story

I am a freak. A physical freak. I am writing this blog because I need to let others like me know they are not alone and what is happening.

Since I was a teenager my breasts have been extremely uneven. One breast is an A cup. The other is a DD/E. My doctors would tell me the other one would catch up. I just had to wait and I did. In the meantime, I never kissed a boy. I never wore t shirts. I never learned to swim propery because I could not get into a costume as I had to pad out my other breast with tissue. I would swelter in the heat because I knew I couldn't take my jumper off. I was teased and bullied. I was beaten a lot by both girls and boys. as I got older my doctors said that I could have surgery done on the NHS to even out my breasts but no surgeon would touch me until I was 18. I had to go through school and college as an outcast. When I turned 18 my doctor encourage me to first see if I could adapt to it. Live a normal life without surgery. Plus I needed to lose some weight. I tried to lead a normal life. I went to uni and move out of my home. But it didn't work. My grades slipped as I didn't want to leave the house. I made no friends as I never went out. I did manage to gain a boyfriend. I was totally in love with him but I was scared. It took me a year before I agreed to sleep with him. When he saw me, he was repulsed. The look on his face said it all. He turned over and went to sleep. Not long after he broke up with me.

I since decided that I needed surgery. I went on a diet and worked out. I lost all the weight but my breasts were still the same size! I knew surgery is my only option. I went to my GP. She informed me that she was sorry but the NHS now no longer fund plastic surgery for uneven breasts. I asked if I could appeal and she said it was pointless as the year before a woman with only one breast did and was rejected. She didn't even examine me.

I cannot afford to fund this surgery. My parents have no money and no jobs. Because my grades were badly affected I am forced to work in a supermarket on a checkout serving the very people everyday who I went to school with and beat me. I have a silicon insert but I had to get it online as no store I could find sold anything that when up more than two sizes. No one will give me a loan because of my debts from being a student.

I have two options. To get the surgery or to kill myself. It sound dramatic but I cannot live like this. I am a 26 year old virgin. No man will ever touch me and I cannot bear to be touched. I hate myself. I want to die.

I feel let down by the NHS and I am determined to fight them. This diary is about my fight with the NHS and my case. I want people to see that corrective breast surgery on the NHS is nothing to do with vanity. It affects lives. I hope you will read and understand this and even help. I hope this will help other girls too.